Northern Elite in 5 goal Haul

The Mighty Northern Elite made their first ever eleven man outing an unforgettable night with a steely performance against an experienced Robbie Pires Omani eleven.

The seasons fourth coachio, Griftario Shaftario, pulled in an enormous squad for the first eleven man game and then proceeded to pick , in consultation with his No 2 The Feather ,  a couragous 4, 3, 3 attacking formation.

Starting eleven:

In the G: Chris the Bubble
At the back: Feather, Grifter, Big G. Chesney
In the Middle: Marbler, Sid, Eamonn "Duffy" Bannon
Up front: No9, Beavis, Legend Critchley
On the bench: 999, Hancock, Tinman, Lovedoctor

Special Mention : The Fairmer and family on the line for the first half , show of support was great , thank you Ian .

The game started at a roaring pace with big Grifter making the first crunching tackle of the night on the wee number 10. As the ball bounced, the 6ft 5 monster arched over the boy and put him in the wall, looked sore to be honest. ( I did pat him on the heed and say sorry , only to be scowled at by the Big G-Unit who told me " ONLY APOLOGISE AT THE END GRIFTER " )

The Elite were playing a high line and trying to squeeze the midfield and Sid was working hard, however the coachio reverted to a 4.4.2. Pulling The Legend into a central midfield berth with the Sick boy. That magic worked and gave Sid the space to hit a pile driver into the Omani net after a lovely lay off from the hard working Marbler.

First change of the night saw Hancock on for Pete on the left of the park and 999 on for No9 up front. Second change saw the storkmeister on for Grifter at the back and Lovedoctor on for big G. Davie C dropped back to centre half and the Doc slotted into a central midfield role with his Sicko mate. It was to be a short lived debut for the Doc as he managed to twist his dodgy knee on the bonny astroturf and didnae see any more action. ( love doctor nae seeing any action , theres a recurring theme there !!! )

The Elite went into the half time interval 1 up and were still well up for the game. The Omani's were yet to have a credible shot on goal , and any threat was thwarted by the ever impressive bubbles .

Second half saw the same formation stay the same, however in a wee masterstroke the Coachio dropped beavis into a central midfield role with Sid.

Second half starting eleven:

Chris the Bubble
Feather, Storkmeister, Big G, Chesney
Marbler, Beavis, Sid, Pete
No 9, Grifter

The elite quickly got on top again and grabbed their second when Beavis slotted in a good shot.( that was his 982nd shot of the night , so a similiar ratio to darren mackie )

The 3rd was a beauty. Big Grifter stepping up to curl a freekick around the wall and into the bottom corner. Move oot the way sicko. ( the feathers words , nae mine . Although when i approached sicko and stated " I`ve got this " , the cheeky cnut looked up to the skies and shook his napper , Only to give me a wee wink on the way back to the centre spot )

The 4th was a well worked goal with Legend Big Davie C getting on the end of the good work.

In between the Omani's had pushed Pires up top onto a tiring Elite defence and with the only lack of concentration of the night, the terminator broke free to rifle a drive passed the excellent Chris the Bubble. It was a shame for the Bubbler not to keep a clean sheet as he had been impressive all night.

The 5th was about time with No9 taking the fifth chance that had come begging his way with a scuffled rollie inner into the net. He could have easily scored 23 on the night if he`d taken his right peg wi him .

a few tired legs were showing as the clock counted down and a relief all round I think when the ref blew for full time . The oman team were a very strong unit , with good passing and communication , think maybe the difference on the night was the tenacious battling qualities shown by the elite , and the way a few of the boys adapted to different positions .

A big thank you to the omani boys for making it a great night , a few beers was had in Barzar afterwards , and thanks to beavis for charging me 20 dirhams for 3 nachos and claiming the reciept for his expenses !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Would be great if we could make this a regular occurrence boys , already got a game lined up with the FC barcelona coaches I think in 2 weeks ( chesney has the details ) .

Specil mention to chesser , he organised all this and paid up front for it , got your dough Chesser , I know who paid me on the night and who did`nt so lets see whos honest amongst you ..........

Bubbles : Outstanding between the sticks , never stopped talking and made some fantastic stops - 10/10

Feather : always amazes me how he reads the game the way he does , gives himself so much space to control the game and control the troops - 10/10

Big G-Unit : Special mention for lasting 23m30s in first half , 30 secs more than the coachio , solid in the tackle and organisation was immense - 10/10

Grifter : Got stuck in when I had too and came up with a 22yard screamer , thank you and good night - 9.5/10

Chesney : superb display from the one and only , burstiong forward when space was there and tracking back brilliant - 10/10

Eamonn : tielress running down the left and linked up well with chesser and sat back when needed - 10/10

Sicko : immense . Never stopped from the first whistle til the last , hard tackling and great runs forward , created space all around him and a screamer of a goal - 10/10

Marble Man : Wee 7 lungs was outstanding as usual , pace down the right was constant threat and created most of the goals - 10/10

Legend : anywhere on the park , he showed his class and composure , finished his chance well and was solid at back when asked - 10/10

Beavis : excellent running all night from beavis , took his gola well and showed some stell in the tackle in midfeild - 10/10

No 9 : never stopped hassling there defence and covered every blade of grass on the night . Took his goal like a seasoned pro - 10/10

Hancock : Big strong challenges from the hankers , and stuck man for man duties on the night - 10/10

Love Doctor : shame he never lasted longer as he showed some neat touches and dig in the middle of the park - 10/10

Tinners : again , tinners did exactly what was asked of him and stuck a leg in at every opportunity , solid as usual - 10/10

999 - Superb display from simon , hassled well up front and showed some real class and dig when brought into the middle - 10/10

Special mention to Grifstix ( love you min ) , shando , satchmo , night and day , yeatser , chopper and anyone else whos been associated with this fantastic club . You were missed on the night lads and hopefully your here for the next one .

"If you have a problem , and no-one else can help , maybe you can hire...

...Grifters "A" Team"

Reporter- B.A. Baracus

Well here it is, the final report of this season and am pure beamin` wi delight so I am . As usual No 9 turned his back on the report ( has he ever feckin done one ) so its up to the player/coachio to take over the reigns . Nae sure im gonna be upto the task of last weeks sterling effort form the grifstix , but will give it a bash .

2nd game in charge for the shoogly nail Griftario and a helluva team to choose from . few dropouts early doors , 999 was buying a new 950Cc yugo atlantic for his missus , sid phoned and said he had swine flu ( cnut`s shagged heaps o pigs right enough ) and chooper just cancelled , nae explanatiion or nowt . Although he`s forgiven after giving us the comedy highlight of the season when he knocked a wee punjab keeper intae next week wi a rocket o` a free kick . Again , the technical director was missing and no communication prior to the game , Im actually thinking of dropping Y-Cardy from this posittion and replacing him with the fairmer , after his inglorious sacking/dismissal/resignation he`s been present at both games offering advice and support to the griftario , so im chewing that over .

Anyways , safe in the knowledge that ma new showbox was recording emmerdale , coronation street and eastenders , my head was clear enough to concentrate on pure tactics .

Nae shitttin masel the night as I strode onto the playing area to see the gleaming napper of No 9 sporting a pair of straight fae the sandilands catwalk denim cut offs ( think george michael in the club tropicana video and you get my drift . He wis informed straight away that he wis drapped only to counter that " I think you should drap beavis cos he`s pish " again I was taken aback at the vehemnt attack on one of hias own , but thats what we`ve come to expect from Mr Cruickshank .

Everyone stripped , including hancock (which did`nt look justified until the 2nd game for 12 seconds ) and we were rarin` to go , the warm ups started early with the beavis getting everyone involved in a game of pass and go . The coach was screaming for a wee bash at 3 `n` in but naebody was havin it . Now , at this point I was ready to drop soemone for the good of the team and play masel , only for beavis to return the strips with one sock missing ( im sure he done this to ensure he got picked , but after his displays in all the games ( barring the gola(s) ) he is sorely mistaken .

So onto the games boys and heres how the evening panned out . 1 No Show ( gooners ) so straight onto 8 points .

Game 1- Score- 4 nil us (I think) vs Poona Boys
Marble man and Craig Dayyyyyyyyyyyyvvvvvvvvvvvvviiiiiiiid up front in this one with chesser and tinners at the back . Shot off the blocks in this one and scored within 2 minutes , think it was el-tel bagging the first , craigy boy got one in there , as did beavis . Played the sort of controlled football you only see in the south american leagues and easily played this team aff the park . Rotated all subs to keep everyone fresh , No 9 as tireless as ever hassling every bugger on the park ( even his gaffer ) beavis with his usual newly born gazelle runs and hancock providing the laughs by man marking chesney every time he came on
Game Highlight- Hancock man - marking chesney

Game 2- Score 1-1( i think ) them vs I-Guzzini
Tidy team these lot and they showed it from the off . We were keeping our shape well and breaking them down , but there passing was as slick as the back o my calvins efter a night oot wi cooper and they suckered us into 2 on 1 and scored . We were still playing slick football after this and kept our shape well enough , and lo and behold hancock slid a sliderule pass into the goal , celebrations all round for a share of the points.
Game Highlight- Hancock evading chesneys to score

Game 3- Score 2-1 ??????them vs An even bigger dolph lundgren look-a-like
Started well enough with our passing being present again , but these guys were , to be fair , a strong and skillful side , with possibly the biggest cnut i`ve ever seen at the 5s ( apart fae beavis ) who basically had an arse wi ats ain po.box and kept shoving it intae chessers baws ( now it wisnae jist me , the fairmer nboticed a smile on chessers face ) we lost 2 stupid goals , battled well , got our passing game the getherand were unlucky nae to get a draw oot o this one .
Game Highlight- Hancock man - marking chesney again


Summary-
Played 3, Won 1 , drew 1 , Lost 1- Division 4 here we come !!!


Squad-

Tinman-   Another great nights graft fae the storkmeister general , kept it nice and easy at the back , linked well with craigy boy . 9.5/10

Chesney- Excellent nights work from the one and only , read the game great , organised when had to and a few lung bursting runs , 9.5/10

Beavis Mackie- A better player when he stops the stupid flickas and tricks , I`ve said it so often , simple passing and keep your head up . Tireless legs again fae beavis , banged in the goals and linked well with terry/craig boy 9.5/10

Hancock- Was always up for it and available , running never stopped and took his goal with his usual aplomb . Take a bow hancock . 9.5/10

No 9 -   This boys like feckin ronseal ......he does exactly what it says on the tin , never stopped running and hassling all night , missed a few but created one or 2 also . Stronger in the challenge than I`ve peviously seen him , I think he`s started that 100 % whey protein shakes cos he wis lookin ripped and buff last night 9.5/10

Marble Man - This guy is awesome !!!!!!!!absolutley dominated the middle / front of the park along with his sidekick ( See below ) and terrorised every defence we played against . So close to be ing MOTM , but hace to settle for 2nd place El Tel . Think he`s going to destroy the oman boys the morra night , dependant on the gaffers tractics .........9 and 3 quarters ( canna find the symbol ) / 10

Craigy Boy - Started every game with him and tel up front  and what a difference it made to the team , the back 2 have confidence in going forward with these pair in the team , they link up as if they ken ESP and the goals they contribute are fantastic . Craigy boy had another great night , never stopped battling and I think he played 2 full games ( 24 mintues of solid running and tackling in that humidity , hats off boys ) .

Don't call me 'Bubbles' Mcstay- yes guys , MOTM in my view was this boy . few reasons , he can read the game brilliantly , he can sweep when space is created , hes a shot stopper ( 3 I remember last night which were immense , nae kiddin ) never stops yappin to the boys in front ..........................................and he knocks wifeys oot fae the middle o` the park .......

I continue .......Last game , bubbles gets a free kick efter shreks ugly brother took him oot the game again ......he grabs the ba` , steps up and whoosh ......just skims the bar ..............a bird behind the goals standing side on chatting to her pals got it full on , feet aff the deck in a`thin , it was aceix , am nae jokin , an absolute belter .


Anyways , shite report as nae time so from me lads , thank you for the finsih to the season , special mention to the fairmer ( he knows why , cheers pal ) and see yous thursday night ........Wantin` A`body up for it .......


I pity the fool that disnae turn up ....


Love

B.A. Baracus

mmense from start to finish, shot stopping silky passing, there's a reason he says he's a keeper... It's cause feckin is!!!!!
Sideline Army-
Hancock, Chairman, Shando, Beetle juice G, Fairmer and for most of game 3 Chopstix!

Onwards we go lads and lets get behind the team next week for the final chapter of Elite Of Hazzard....Yeeehah!!!!

Over and out Rosco P Coltrane Pole position Number 5 for a shot ay Mel !!!!!

Love you Grifter

Everbody's changing (for the better) and 'we' don't feel the same

Reporter- Tom Chaplin

...here it is, as fresh as yer Aitken's rowies and The Friday P&J job section, The report we'd all been waiting for. Having been ducking and diving away from the report for the past few months, mostly cause it takes ages and secondly the past few months hivnae been as razzamazz as I like to write about, I jumped at the opportunity/ it was lumped on me to write the biggest Report o the season!!! With only two weeks left of the 09 season and Manager number 138 in place, it's with great pleasure I type that a new dawn has broken, light is shining from the end of the tunnel...and Europe/World domination is in site!!!

Rumours early on through the email that the brand new Coachio El Griftario was 'shitting himself' for the evenings games and the possibility off 'doing a Yeatser' (sacked fae the mad Chairman after one week), In fact speaking to the Chairman on the way to the fitba he did tell me 'He's aridy on a shoogly nail'!! No wonder no-one wants this job I thought!!! Having been a little worried by the Chairman's comments and the panic in Grifters voice when I text him in a one to one text that day, I made a quick call to his lovely partner Mel (more on her later), she confirmed the big man even missed Corrie whilst working on tactics and formations....Having hearing this I knew we were in for a new look fresh Elite under our New Leader... Daisy Duke (wait for it lads it's coming)!!!!

PS- For those who did miss Corrie Ken Barlow is a dirty b*st*rd and has run aff we yon Stephanie Beecham who is still looking arite... But enough about that let's crack on with an evening full off FUN! FROLICS!...AND FUNNY FINGER WARM UPS!!!

On arrival to the 'AlRasheed Of Dreams' with the Chairman of the Mighty Northern Elite, we met the man of the moment... The Leader... The Gaffer... The Big Man...The Big Arangitan... There he was the man who the fans will call the Big Messiah.....Grifter. Now you'd think a man of his style class, composure, sexual chemistry that he'd be wearing the latest Prada Suit? Luis Vuiton Slacks and nice pair o white slip ons??...You're wrong, desperate to keep the pressure away from his players in a Mourinhio style, our Glorious leader turned up looking like...yes wait for it........... 'Daisy Fecking Duke'!!! What this man won't do for his team is a wonder to us all, yes sportsfans our new leader arrived oot the General Lee full 'Salmon Pink' checked shirt, all tied in a bonnie bow round the mid-rift!!! Nae the tightest pair o ripped wranglers roond his cracking buns but give the man 10 oot o 10 for trying!!! As a squad member walking to the theatre I seen teams quivering at this mans stature, I knew then and only then...The Elite had the leader they all wanted.

As time drew on the masses arrived to see what the Messiah Duke had in store for us. Firstly thank feck he got changed, at one point I overheard a squad player say ' he looks like a stretched oot Bruno in yon get up'
With Bubbles and the Retired Fairmer on the scene and Tinners already trying to hide fae takin the cool box the mighty Elite began to get stripped, Even Beavis's arrival was greeted with a cheer as he was owe me £63.40 in deeerhams!!!

Now as I type this I still have a slight nervous twitch, a strange bizarre memory... its like fan yer uncle crept in yer bed at night fan ye were 7!! That kind oh 'what the f**k' hazy memory, but what unfolded in the team talk and warm up obviously worked in fact it worked a treat and here's hoping it's a weekly ritual.....

As our leader Dukes Den gathered the squad round we needed guidance, we needed a new spark after weeks off bewilderment and torture, with the new gaffer we were treated to exactly what was required, This was'nt about 8men playing for pride or playing for the fans on the sidelines or the Worldwide Elite we so dearly miss....as our new leader brought us closer he roared what we all needed to hear before every kick off....IF YIS WIN AHH FOUR GAMES..I'LL GIE YE A GO AT MEL!!!! The roar went up and the eight warriors (slipped that in Grifter) strolled off to their own warm up. Now this is fan the weird shit kicked in??? Again the Duke of Earl called us in for pre match team warm up, looking like a Beechwood Foundation Gym Class the big Daffy Duke told us all to stick oor fingers in the ground, now this may not sound funny or even strange but for all those 8 lads out there in front of all our pals and other teams, we looked feckin ridiculous...but hey as the report flows below, it obviously worked and I for one am at the front of that funny fecking queue fingering thing next week!!

Game 1- Score- 1nil us (I think) vs Canna Mind
Started like a team possessed and a great finish fae Marble Man from a corner settled us early, quick corner caught them napping and bang one nil. Game completely controlled by the Oldest Man Alive and Sex Demon in his own shower Satchmo, Nuff said off to a flyer!
Game Highlight- Somebdy shouting back to Marv from the pitch 'at's a shite shout ya muppet'

Game 2- Score 2-1 us vs One o the Indian Teams
Beavis Mackie played a blinder in this one, great couple o goals and credit to him for a power of work. Passion, fight determination, and some great fitba all over the park from Elite, Top marks to all from front to back. Their goal was a screamer on the final whistle...but we still won so fa cares.
Game Highlight- Beavis goals...two of them aswell!!

Game 3- Chopstix vs A Massive Dolph Lundgren lookalike- Beat 1-0
Started well enough as a five a side team, although did go down by a sneaky goal from the aggressive cnuts, with this being a battle and the tackles flying and Daisy nae stripped as he would have liked to be, he had nae option but to throw on a miniature Bobby Ball to try and kick a few shins, the following 13seconds flashed by and bang a rash tackle a we caffufle and both teams doon to 4, (sure more mini reports to follow, I ken the chairmans dying to write aboot this). Apologies to all for the stupidity lads, rush off blood from you're mini reporter cost us the game here.
Down to 4v4 we battered them but just could'nt stick it past the keeper.
Game Highlight- a very short man vs a man bigger than Grifter and Beetlejuice put the gither!!! Proper Highlight- Bubbles Mcstay, superb from first to last minute, the boys a keeper lads and we even played him in goals this wik!!

Game Four- Won about a hundred nil vs The Poonani Boys
Think the final score was 3 nil but as in game one the Elite showed what they can be all about, with fun and possession the team motto, this was a joy to watch, the passing and movement from Night n Day and Marbler was superb, cool heads at the back and basically we humped them.
Highlights- Night n Day and Marbler for the first goal, brilliant movement, Bubbles Mcstay the boys a keeper I tell ye (nice one Y man great find) and top highlight, Ryan The CANNONBALL Mckay!!!! Hahahahah brilliant, Now some folk can hit a ba and some folk can knock a peer wee Indian Boy into next Monday...guess fit one Ryan did, what a free kick and if anyone sees a peer wee Indian boy flying through mid air anytime this wik will these please return him to AL Rasheid School!!! Hahaha The Cannonball himself had a wee chuckle running back to defend efter that, take note lads The Cannonball wasnae jist happy almost killing wee Punjab but he even wanted to get back in position we a wee smile across his face, now that's dedication!!!!

Summary-
Played 4, Won 3 Lost 1- Top of the League!!!
First there were The Busby Babes, then The Fergie/Beetlejuice Fledglings.... Now it's Grifters Gussets!!! He's the real Boss Hog!!!!
Hats aff to the new Coachio, we needed a hero to raise our spirits and he stepped in with his big size 14 and dressed like a sex kitten from a 80's tv show...Raise you're coffee cups Elite.... We have a new Messiah.....Griftario Duke take a bow!!!!!

Squad-
Don't call me 'Bubbles' Mcstay- Immense from start to finish, shot stopping silky passing, there's a reason he says he's a keeper... It's cause feckin is!!!!!
Tinman- The words cool calm composed come to mind when I think of tinners, for those who noticed that's what he was fan two noisy midgets where chasing him we the cool box!!! Hahaha make sure you get Ice in it next wik!!!
Satchmo- Keane as mustard to get going last night and a joy to watch in that funny warm up thing. On the park cool as you like and never put a foot wrong, message to us all keep yersel fit by making love 3 times a day and we can all play 5's when we're 46!!!
Cannonball Mckay- Was solid as rock again last night, true what Daisy says, we're a better team when his knees hud oot!!!
Beavis Mackie- A fans favourite we his Torry Flicks and two cracking goals along the way, well done Beavis and even mare so saving up to pay me back the doh from 1998, me and Mini Ms Chopstix are having a Chinese to celebrate the night!
Chopstix- One assist and a sending aff, sorry aboot the red mist boys and a vast improvement required in weeks ahead, still dance of Champion 09 and was only kidding aboot my uncle getting in ma bed!!!
Marble Man and Night N Day- What more can be said aboot this pair, they were on fire the whole night, they were like two terrors the whole night like two brothers up to mischief with a glint in there eyes!!  full o energy full oh running and some silky passing along the way, great effort from this pair and a joy to watch. Although we were a little worried about the Marbler before the Game so the Chairman asked me to gie him a bell, phoned and asked him fit time he'd be there etc etc, went on for 5 or so minutes and came aff the phone to chairmans asking me, 'well fit's he saying'?? I replied I hivnae got a clue cause I canna understand the cnut but I think he's coming!!!!

Sideline Army-
Hancock, Chairman, Shando, Beetle juice G, Fairmer and for most of game 3 Chopstix!

Onwards we go lads and lets get behind the team next week for the final chapter of Elite Of Hazzard....Yeeehah!!!!

Over and out Rosco P Coltrane Pole position Number 5 for a shot ay Mel !!!!!

Love you Grifter

Not One of Our Better Nights

P 4 W 0 D 0 L 4 = 0 points -  Total of 4 points for the two weeks.

 

Tuesday morning started off incredibly.

I had 14 names on the team sheet and was really looking forward to a great evening of football with the Elite pushing for a place in division 3. I was worried about who to leave out. That job got easier during the course of the day.

By 5pm, I was down to seven players. Work will always unfortunately take its toll on the Elite, especially with a lot of us working in the very unpredictable oil industry and this can’t be helped, but it was looking worrying none the less.

 

The seven guys that did show up were joined by the Chairman in pulling on the famous red strip.

 

The crack was tremendous early on prior to the games starting as it always is. Grifter was obviously still working in modeling as he turned up wearing the latest summer collection, as well as smelling like a Russian Lady of the night handbag. Was great to see No.9 back after a long absence, and it looked as if he hadn’t been away as he got torn right in.

 

There was mention of the proposed gay disco by the fairmer from the Chairman who was bursting to tell all, only to look on in disgust as he saw his team mates gladly jump around as if they were at a Bronski Beat gig at the Music Hall.

 

Hancock took along his better half to work his recent birthday present, and Mrs Andrew was clicking away frantically with the camera as the horse play and banter was reaching fever pitch. One of the Elite were heard saying “Check oot Wifie Hancock with the camera, clicking awa’ like mad”. This was then replied to by Bubbles who said “Is that Hancock’s wife like?”   Hmm…………

 

The cool box was there courtesy of Chopper who had managed to collect it from Shando due to Shando’s unfortunate illness and subsequent absence.

 

Due to the lack of numbers, it was decided to play Bubbles outfield and let Hancock retain the yellow jersey for a second week in succession.

 

The first game was against the Danes (Fa?) or Arla foods to give them their proper name.

 

The Elite lined up with Hancock in goals, Chopper at the back, a midfield of Night and Day and Bubbles, with Chopstix doing the running up front.

 

The Elite started well and looked the better team against a weakened Danish team. We had a few chances that should have been tucked away, but for one reason or another, it didn’t happen.

The Danes then got a corner 5 minutes into the game that resulted in a melee at the near post. After a fresh air swipe at the ball from the Elite, the ball fell to a Dane who connected well with the ball to send it past Hancock and into the net.

The heads dropped immediately and the only shouting done by the Elite was at one another. There was no helping one another, it was just shouting at one another for making individual mistakes. We huffed and puffed a lot but nothing came of it and the game ended.

 

Disappointing end to the first game losing 1-0.

 

We sat out the next round of games and it gave us time to regroup and to discuss how we were going to take on the Locker Room in our next fixture.

 

As per normal, we controlled the game early on with some great passing.

We were keeping possession well as we pushed for an opening goal.

 

The LR then managed to sneak a goal dead against the run of play.

Straight after the restart, the Elite showed how they could play when they play for one another and scored a superb goal after some excellent passing. Chopstix was credited with the goal, but to be fair, the ball was worked between every player on the pitch before ending in the eventual resting place in the net.

This was the kick start we had waited for and we were playing well pushing for a winning goal.

 

The LR pushed forward and as the Elite backed off, the LR player then tried a very speculative effort from just inside the Elite half. Hancock appeared to have it covered until it took a wicked deflection off of Chopper’s right cheek to sneak past Hancock in goals.

It was a sickening blow and one that the Elite definitely didn’t deserve.

Tempers were starting to get a little high.

Bubbles then slid in on one of the LR players and was amazingly sent off for the next two minutes. The ref was having none of the arguing that followed and the game raged on with the Elite down to 4 men. No.9 ran back and forward non stop to keep the ball in the LR half.

After two minutes, Bubbles was allowed back on with 30 seconds or so remaining. The Elite got a free kick in a very promising position on the far side of the pitch.

 

The ball was rolled out to the Chairman, who managed to trip on his run up and ended up passing the ball back to one of the LR defenders. If nothing else it momentarily stopped the gloom on the touchline and gave everyone a smile.

 

 Unfortunately time was against the Elite and it wasn’t enough to let the Elite get the equalizer that their play deserved.

 

The final whistle went again and a very disgruntled Elite trudged off the pitch after their second defeat of the night. Final whistle 2-1 to the Locker Room.

 

Straight into the third game against the Poona boys.

We defeated them easily last week 3-0, so this was going probably the easiest game on paper of the night.

 

There was a change in the Elite when Bubbles took the yellow goalies top and gave his red outfield top to Hancock.

The game seemed to fly in with the PBs being guilty of some pretty meaty challenges going in all over the place. Hancock was told a few times to calm things down as he seemed to be a little possessed. His endless running was rattling up the PBs and they didn’t like the attention he was giving them. This ref was obviously not the same one we had in the previous game as he let the game flow as much as he could.

The PBs had one shot on goal and somehow managed to score with it.

Yet again, the only shouting coming from the Elite was at one another.

 

There was no team spirit it was all about shouting at each other.

 

The game ended with the Elite doing a lot of the running and getting nowhere. Yet another single goal defeat. Final whistle 1-0.

 

Into the last game of the night against the Rattlesnake.

The previous week had been a goalless draw and we desperately needed something to show for our efforts on the night.

This game was a complete carbon copy of the Poona boys game previously.

The Rattler had one shot on goal and scored.

 

A special mention for the ref here.

 

This was the ref that had sent off Bubbles off in the second game for a sliding tackle. For some completely unknown reason, he adjudged Chopper to have pulled a shirt and gave a free kick when it was blatantly clear that it was Chopper who had been fouled. He also managed to let at least 4 worse challenges than Bubbles one in the previous game, go unpunished.

As long as my arse points south, he will never make a referee. He was shocking.

 

The game ended and it was more a relief than anything else for the Elite. Fourth defeat of the night and no points for all the effort seemed so cruel considering every game was a single goal defeat.

 

Yet again a great effort from all lads involved last night, although it would have been better if we had cut out some of the infighting. We didn’t look like we were enjoying it at all :

 

Bubbles – Played well in Midfield as well as his regular position in goals.  

 

Hancock – Played well in goals and also when asked to play outfield.

 

Chopper – Was his usual very committed self in all the games.

 

Craig Day – Ran up and down the pitch in every game.

 

Keith Park – Was a continual threat up front and kept running non stop.

 

Grifter – Worked his socks off as he always does. Played wherever he was asked to, and put in a good shift.

 

No.9 – Great to see Lee return after a while away. Another who had loads of effort.

 

Chairman Jim – Had no hesitation of pulling on the strip to make up the 8^th player and did a job when called upon.

 

Thanks to Mrs Andrew for taking the pics at the start and good to see Wullie and Norrie along to support the team. I know for a fact Wullie was desperate to play for the Elite last night, your time will come mate.

 

I have also decided that after a few months of being manager of the Elite, it is time for me to step aside with immediate effect.

 

I have enjoyed my time immensely whilst filling the role but have felt for a while now that it was time to let someone else take over.

 

I would like to personally thank everyone at the Elite for allowing me the chance to get involved. I will still come along when I can on a Tuesday night to give my support but someone else will pick the teams from next week forward.

 

Thanks again for all your help.

--The Fairmer

 

Hey Min, Far Did ye Get Yer Stay Press Fae?????

 

P 4 W 1 D 2 L 1 = 4 points.

 

 After a very keenly contested golf tourney at the weekend, the Elite were back to normal business again last night. The golf wasn’t mentioned much at all last night, so obviously the lads that turned up weren’t in any of the prizes. Not sure who would have wanted to win the broken glass (as opposed to the cut glass) trophy Smash produced though. I guess at least each member of the winning four ball got a bit of the trophy each to put on the mantle piece.

 

 

Again there were a few of the regular faces missing but it just goes to show what a great bunch of lads and a great squad we have, that we still managed to have 9 players showing up.

 

We managed to stay in Division 4 after an excellent performance last week and were looking to build on that last night.

 

The cool box arrived courtesy of Chopstix and it was a welcome sight.

 

It was also noted however that Craig Day and Sid were walking 10 feet behind Chopstix the whole time as he struggled with the cool box all on his own through the car park. Apparently Sid was heard saying that he was f*cked if he was helping Chopstix as he had 8 games to play later on………..(he would be helping out Ritchie’s team later on that evening).

 

The lads assembled prior to kick off and were caught admiring Grifter’s new attire.

 

It still is unknown if he has a new job and he dresses like that every day or if he dressed like that for an interview, or maybe he had a spot on TV in the Hydra Executives.

Whatever the reason, he looked every inch like a model straight out of the window of Primark. Well impressed.

 

 

As said earlier, the depth of the Elite squad was in evidence again last night as there were places for Hancock in goals, Craig (Night and) Day, Chopstix, Grifter and Jeffo.

 

The line up for our first game was Hancock in goals, Chesney at the back alongside Night and Day, Sid in the middle and Shando doing the running up front.

Our first game was against the Locker Room who had been demoted from the 3^rd Division.

 

The Elite were fast out of the blocks and were controlling the game from the off. The passing was very crisp and the communication was great from all on the pitch especially Hancock in goal.  

We had a few chances throughout the game to get the elusive goal, but it never came. A few chances went begging with Sid, Shando and Chesney all having good chances to break the dead lock.

 

The game ended 0-0 and we were already had our first point of the night.

 

 

We then had a break in the second round of games and got a deserved rest. The team were a little down after failing to win the first game but it was a good performance and we took a lot of heart from the performance.

 

Second game was against the other team who had been relegated the previous week, Arla Foods, or more commonly known as the Danes (Which team are they again?).

This was a very tight game with the Danes being happy to do most of the running and the Elite sitting tight on every player.

 

The Danes were having plenty possession, but nothing was coming of it as the Elite pushed them all the way.

Chesney made a promising run down the far side of the pitch only to be pushed over by the tracking player.

The ref was so far back from play, he would have as well been refereeing from Jebel Ali.

When he failed to give the foul, Chesney raced quicker than he had all night to the ref to demonstrate his frustration. The game raced on as both sides looked for the goal that would surely win the game.

 

With a minute or so to go, we were beaten yet again with a ball over the top.

 

Some of the Elite were left ball watching as the Danish player latched onto the ball to send it past the impressive Hancock in goals.

 

The Danes pressed hard for a second goal to kill the game off. In their last attack, the ball was lifted over the top again, this time Chesney was wise to it. He ran across the player to win the ball but was adjudged to have fouled the runner in the process. Chesney reacted as if Drogba had just been denied a few soft penalty claims in a Champions League Semi final.

 

He went absolutely radio rental at the ref.

 

Some of the other Elite players managed to calm him down enough for the free kick to be taken. It was slammed into the Elite wall and the final whistle blew.

 

Chesney then continued his best Drogba impersonation by arguing with the ref all the way off the pitch. Fairmer ran on (well jogged would be closer to the truth) and pulled Chesney away. Next game was about to start and the last thing we needed was to lose a player for arguing with the ref. It was obviously Chesney’s time of the month as he was uncharacteristically raging, so he was excused until he changed his tampon.

 

The game ended 1-0 and the Elite trudged off with their first defeat in 6 games. The disappointment was hard to hide from the players that had given so much in the game to be caught out yet again with the only chance the opposition had.

 

 

There was no time to mope about and it was straight into the Rattlesnake.

 

Well the game against them anyhow.

 

I think a few of the players thought their 5 a side team were made up of Russian gas cookers, but alas this was not the case. They had quite a young team who seemed pretty good with the flicks and tricks. One lad in particular wearing an Argentinian top seemed pretty mouthy and had been sent off in a previous game so this game had the potential to be fiery.

 

The game was controlled from start to finish by the Elite. Chance after chance was passed up by the Elite to take the lead.

Frustration was starting to creep into the Elite’s game at the failure to break down a visibly poorer team.

The game ended too quickly for the Elite and it ended goalless with none of the proposed fireworks.  

 

For the Fairmer, this was probably the most disappointing game of the night as we never looked like doing anything other than winning this game by a big margin, but it just didn’t fall for us.

Second point of the night and time to look forward to the last game.

 

 

The last game of the night was against the Poona boys and the Elite knew this was a huge game. These boys had just been promoted with the Rattler lads, so we needed to beat these guys, end of story.

 

The determination shown from the Elite from the start was incredible.

 

We raced up the pitch within the first minute and yet another PASS from Shando found Chopstix lurking at the back post to tap in a simple opener.

The Elite were looking to improve their goal difference in this game and were continually pushing forward to add to their tally.

 

There were a couple of wobbles along the way, but they were dealt with by Jeffo and Hancock at the back.

 

A second goal for the Elite was always on the cards, and it duly arrived when Chesney found himself in the PB’s half being marked by their keeper. Chesney turned the keeper and calmly rolled the ball into the empty net. From where I was standing, it looked like he turned to the ref from the Danish game and gave him a GIRFUY gesture but maybe it wasn’t…….

 

Shando picked up his first goal in about 35 weeks, and the Elite’s third with a carbon copy of Chesney’s. Their keeper was playing on the half way line and Shando collected the ball in the Elite half, turned the keeper with one touch then rolled the ball again into the empty net.

 

Final whistle went and a comprehensive win for the Elite in the final game to get the spirits back up amongst the squad. 3-0 the Elite.

 

 

Yet again a stunning effort from all lads involved last night. It never fails to amaze me how much spirit is shown in the squad week in week out, no matter who is picked to play :

 

Hancock – Some good saves in the first game in particular. Excellent communication throughout the games. Managed to stay in his box and not be sent off either. Quote of the night from Hancock “I haven’t lost a goal in three weeks”. That changed when he got his first start in four weeks. Also managed to stay on and play for Getmo in the top divisions.

 

Chesney – Ran his heart out again and was all over the pitch in every game. Pretty decent shift for him having the painters in, in my opinion.

 

Shando – This is starting to become a regular thing with Shando, but he yet again PASSED the ball for someone else to score. Also managed to chip in with a goal himself (his first in 35 weeks). Lucky to have been picked after his slanderous comments towards the Fairmer in last weeks’ emails.

 

Sid – Did his usual bossing job in the middle of the pitch, but seemed to be holding back some effort for Ritchie’s team in Division 1. Was rightly boo’ed when seen quietly pulling on the light blue top at the end of the night.

 

Craig (Night and) Day – Amazing engine and great running throughout the night. Great to have ye back Craig, but get a haircut min, yer nae in the Charlatans or Inspiral Carpets.

 

Jeffo – Marshalled the defence well and was a constant (moaner) talker to all around him. Showed great fitness in the game against the Danes by playing the whole 8 minutes and not breathing through his hoop.

 

Chopstix – Provided a similar option as some of the other attackers up front for the Elite (i.e. disna score much) after his trip to Rome. Managed to take along the cool box and deserves credit for that alone.

 

Grifter – Ran as much as his new Jockey Y’s would allow him to and got right into the mix when played up front in the last game. Great effort yet again and brilliant to see him back after a few weeks absence.

 

 

 

Cheers for showing up and supporting the team Andrew and Sye.

 

According to my dodgy Maths, we are 3 points off top place and well capable of going up next week.

 

 

C’Mon The Elite!

Cheers Fairmer.

 

 

Champions League Edition

Hello lads,

 

For those of your that missed the golf you were missed & you missed a magic day oot. You could tell that it had all the makings of a classic as by 9.00 am the Elite Breakfast Club were in knots and the banter was in full flow jesus even for us it was quick, Barry, Roberto, Satchmo, Feather & Grifter thanks for a magic start to the day, I've missed  seeing us all round the table.

 

It takes a lot of effort to get these things sorted oot but its worth it  to see & hear the Elite together, cheers for the laughs lads.  

 

Big thank you to the Els Club & to see through breeks for her prize giving skills.

 

& Minty aye Roberto was in the winning team, I've attached some pictures lads and depending on the sizes I will send a few more on separate mails.

 

Roberto, Haystacks it was magic to see you I only wish it was every week !

 

All the best, 
 

Jimbo 

(Northern Elite Els Golfer - Winner off F- All)

We?ve Taken Our Team Into Europe

 

P 4 W 2 D 2 L 0 = 6 points -  Total of 9 points for the two weeks. 

Well after another Sunday where the Dandy Dons managed to pip the Jute minks yet again for a place in Europe, the Fairmer was really looking forward to the games on Tuesday night. Time to chat with the lads and plan our next Euro jaunt as well as celebrate that the fat orange hoor has gone too. Double celebration for the Dons fans.

 

There was also a small matter of the league title going to the blue cheek of the old firm arse after the green cheek had thrown it away. Well done to the blue cheek (washing mouth out as we speak with large bar of soap), beat Falkirk at the weekend and we miss a qualifying round in Europe. (Sorry can’t bring myself to wish them well two weeks on the trot).

A few of the regular faces missing but a great turn out none the less again last night. Everyone looking to give a big push and get us out of the relegation place we were currently sitting in. We were only three points off the top though, so if the results went our way, we could theoretically be promoted too.

 

The cool box didn’t show unfortunately and this was going to become an issue later on with the temperature and humidity climbing every week. Chesney nearly dropped on the deck when he realized there was no cool box. Please can we have it returned for next week.

 

Hancock had obviously just gotten a new birthday present as he was snapping furiously away with a camera as the lads were coming in. A lot of belly sucking in and staying away from Chris, Sid and Beavis was the order of the night. Here’s hoping Hancock wasn’t moonlighting for Ahlan! Would hate to think the pics will end up there. Well Maybe Chris, Sid and Beavis wouldn’t be.

We sat out the first round of games again this week and watched from the touchline as all four teams in Division 4 played out goalless draws in front of us. The night had started off well as we didn’t want to lose touch of Playas Club and Seven Wonders at the top.

 

Another strong line up for our first game with Bubbles in goals, Satch and Chesney at the back, Sid in the middle and Shando doing the running up front.

 

The Elite started the game very well and were controlling the game from the off. There was some very slick passing from all areas over the pitch.

 

Satch was marshalling the defence well, with help from big Chris in goals. There was loads of communication throughout the team and it was joy to watch and hear. We pressed on looking for a goal and were finally rewarded when Sid latched onto a through ball from Shando (AGAIN PROVIDING!) and hit an unstoppable shot past the helpless Playas keeper.

We then went onto to play a superb game of holding the ball up and frustrating the Playas players. One dirty little nyaff in particular decided his elbows had become legal to use and proceeded to catch Sid in the face a couple of times as they were both going for the ball. Nothing given by the ref as per normal against these lads, so we smiled and carried on. Thankfully for the Elite (and the nyaff), it was Sid that was caught and not some of our slightly more aggressive players.  

Right at the end Shando was clean through but was met by the outrushing Playas keeper.

 

Shando using all his experience in the challenge, managed to somehow kick the keepers balls as they both challenged for the leather ball. Just a little retribution for the nyaff in midfield I thought.

Eventually the final whistle blew and we had beaten the team at the top of the league. Great result to start off our night. 1-0.

Second game was against the team currently sitting bottom of the group, Real Bad.

 

We had beaten them last week so they were looking for revenge.

This game started with a goal inside 10 seconds for the Elite. Right from the kick off, Beavis collected the ball, danced through a couple of challenges and put the ball past the Real Bad keeper. One nil to the Elite and the fans had barely had time to collect their pies and Bovrils.

Beavis was playing like Darren Mackie. Scored a great goal and was running his heart out up front. He chased every ball and was even tracking back now and then too. Unfortunately though, he showed how close he actually is to Darren Mackie by missing at least three other great chances. The goal he did score was probably the hardest chance.

He was hooked by the Fairmer and replaced by Shando at about half way. The crowd were on their feet for him coming off, if only to shout abuse for missing some great chances.

 

Shando came on……then got sent off.

 

Shando had been tracking back and following one players run when he dived into a challenge. It didn’t seem that bad to be fair. We have witnessed a hell of a lot worse challenges on the same pitches, but the ref thought it a sin bin challenge and the Elite were down to 4 for 2 mins.

The two minutes seemed to drag (as they always do), and we were on the ropes for the majority of the time we were a man down. The players held on well though and to their credit didn’t concede during the time.

Eventually Shando was allowed to come back on. There was still a minute to go and we wanted to push for a second goal to seal the points.

Shando’s first contribution to coming on was to chase after a long throw out by Bubbles in goals. The ball was thrown out into touch and Shando was instantly take off again, although this time he was subbed. Beavis took his place again up front and his Darren Mackie esq running (and finishing) had the crowd roaring from the touchline. Granted most of it was obscenities but the crowd were willing the team on.

 

Game ended and it was the second win of the night for the Elite. 1-0

Next game was against the Stevie Summers Seven Wonders, minus Stevie Summers.

 

Unfortunately for the Elite fans, there had been no new developments on the transfer front regarding young Kevin from the Wonders. Rumour has it, that he is desperate to pull on the famous red shirt of his heroes, but his agent and the Elite board seem to be poles apart when trying to discuss personal terms.

 

Again the Elite were out of the traps early and were holding the ball well against a big strong team. There was a lot of good possession from both teams and it was a very good open flowing game for the neutrals amongst the crowd to watch. It was end to end stuff with Bubbles proving his worth with a series of very good saves.

 

The game was very even when Sid collected the ball on the half way line and strolled forward to lash the ball past the hapless keeper into the net. The Elite bench went radio rental as this was the best team we had faced all night and we all understood the importance of taking the lead in this game. SSSWmSS had been runners up in Division 1 just a few weeks ago.

 

The Elite players were understandably tiring after giving their all in the previous two games and we were automatically pushed on the back foot after the goal.

 

SSSWmSS’s were pushing for an equalizer and there good work was rewarded when with a minute to go, they equalized. Chris was finally beaten by a rasping shot that even the great Theo Snelders would have struggled to keep out.

 

Final whistle blew on a highly entertaining game and a share of the spoils was probably a fair result. 1-1

Onto the last game against the Norfolk & Chance basketball players. This game was played for only 6 minutes as we had a new ref who didn’t stop his watch every time the ball went out.

 

We had a few good chances from long range, but none on target, so probably didn’t deserve to win. I was going to argue the timing with the ref but the Elite players looked dead on their feet and I was happy enough to take a point and remain unbeaten for the night. The only player not impressed with the ref blowing early was Big G.

He had went on with supposedly 2 ½ minutes to go so that he could work some wizardry in the middle of the pitch. What actually happened was that he got on for 30 seconds and he didn’t touch the ball yet!!!! He wasn’t too impressed with the Fairmer at the end, but when I calmly explained the refs poor time keeping, I was let off the hook.

Great effort from all lads involved last night :

 

Bubbles – Some excellent saves in the third game in particular. Kept the shouting going throughout the games. Almost made up for his f’ up last week.

 

Chesney –Man marked Elite transfer target Kevin out of the third game. Played well at the back and made one great forward run per game before screaming to be subbed..

 

Shando – PASSED again this week for Sid to score. On and off non-stop due to ordering off and subbed in second game. Held the ball up very well though when actually on the pitch.

 

Sid – Chipped in with 2 great goals and ran non-stop in the middle. Did well to keep his cool after catching the nyaff’s elbow, either that or he was scared of the 3ft high midfielder.

 

Satch – Continually proving that although he maybe looks 49, he can still keep up with the young lads in the team. Did a great job of talking to everyone around him even if most of them weren’t interested in listening.

 

Beavis – Scored a good goal very early on in the second game and missed at least 43 easier chances throughout the night. Without doubt the Elite’s very own Darren Mackie.

 

Tinman – Tinners ran about with a smile on his coupon the whole night. Probably still in a dream after Sunday. In some of the games, it would have been good if he hadn’t been dreaming so much,  but tracked back well and made some good blocks.

 

Big G – Made his cameo 2 ½ minutes appearance in every game but the last. Ran himself into the ground before coming off and sparking up a Capstan full strength fag.

 

Thanks to Hancock for taking the pics at the start, good to see Craig Day(vid) back too.

 

Not sure if it will be enough to take us up, but we shouldn’t be going down after some great performances in Division 4.

Cheers Fairmer

 

Did Naeb'dy Bring their Firing Beets?!

P 4 W 1 D 1 L 2 = 3 points

Well it was decided late last night that it was time for Aberdeenshire’s very own Fairmer to type up the report this week yet again in the absence of anyone else who can type with more than just their right index finger.

Was great to read last week about the old Jam songs and it raised a fair bit of chuckle from most of the lads, especially the ones too young to remember who they were. The youthfulness of the current Elite team was in evidence yet again at the start of the evening last night, when the ref came off a previous game and started talking in his thick Aussie accent about the time “we” ran on the pitch after a victory at Wembley and tore up the pitch and broke the goalposts.

He was met with some very vacant looks from the Elite squad. He asked, “Come on lads, don’t you remember it? It was 1977, and after defeating the English WE all ran on and dug the pitch up. Who was born in 1977?” There weren’t many put their hands up, hence the vacant looks. The rest of us who were on earth at this point were perplexed as we couldn’t ever remember a rugby game being played at Wembley where the Aussie fans did the same as the Scots did. Surely he wasn’t a Scot????

Very little private emails this previous week, a few texts, but nobody with a shiny apple on the night, so no preferential treatment given to anyone this week regarding team selection.

A few old faces who had been missing for a long time returned to the fold including the most important squad member we have, the Elite cool box. It has been missing for some weeks now and was welcomed back with open arms by all the squad. Apparently it had been hiding in the back of Simon’s maids room. It was great to see it back and it was a welcome boost to the lads on another hot evening.

A full complement of teams in Div 4 so we were back to our normal 4 games of 8 minutes each for the first time in 3 weeks.

We sat out the first round of games and limbered up for our first game of the night against the Playas Club who had just been demoted from Division 3. Their first game ended prematurely as they were adjudged to have cheated (not half as bad as Kyle Laugherty, but cheated all the same). The ball went out at the touchline beside where the Elite were grouped. The Playas player kicked the ball back on from touch, Real Bad stopped claiming it had to be retaken properly and Playas scored. The referee, who had about as good a game as Stuart Dougal did at Ibrox on Saturday, walked back to the centre spot indicating a goal.

Real Bad, instantly become real pissed, and they walked off.

No idea what the outcome was, but I am guessing it was 2 points awarded to the Playas Club.

Our first game was starting with a strong Elite line up. Bubbles in goals, Chopper and Terry at the back, Sid in Midfield and Shando up front. We were pushing well early on when Playas came forward on the right hand side. The ball was sent in and seemed harmless enough until their attacker miss hit the ball. It wrong footed Bubbles and we were a goal down. Disappointing start but we were confident of getting an equalizer. We had a few good chances that were either well saved by their keeper or shots we tried to clear the school buildings with.

The game was drawing to a close with the Elite pushing hard for a goal. Bubbles was even playing as make shift sweeper with everyone up chasing the elusive equalizer. The ball then broke out of the Playas box and was hoofed up the pitch. Bubbles then came storming out of his box to challenge for the ball, only to lose out in the tackle. The Playas player couldn’t believe his luck as he rolled the ball into the empty net. Ref then blew seconds later and the first game ended in defeat for the Elite.

Onward and upward with the second game, this time against Real Bad. They had been promoted from Div 5 along with ourselves so we were both looking at this game as a must win if we were to have any chance of being promoted again in a couple of weeks time.

This game started off very well for the Elite with Bubbles having virtually nothing to do at all and the Elite keeping possession. The pressure was rewarded half way through the game when Shando collected the ball down the left side then passed the ball across the edge of the box for the onrushing Terry to slot the ball home.

Again the Elite kept the ball well and passed it through the team with a great deal of confidence. Shando was making some good runs and finding a lot of space down the left side in particular. Another long ball found him on the edge of the box where he took the ball forward to round the keeper. He appeared to only have to hit the target and it was game over, but put it out at the far side for a throw in. He later told me that the ball had in fact gone out and he wanted to retrieve it…..

The game ended with the Elite still retaining possession and it was first win of the night.

No rest for the wicked, so straight into game 3, this time against Norfolk & Chance. They have got to be the tallest team in the league. Great big gangly hoors, everyone of them.

This was a game we could have won 3 times over with the amount of chances we had. Everyone including Bubbles was having a pop at their goal. Unfortunately for us, their keeper either had a brilliant save, or we tried to hit some of the birds nesting in the trees behind the goals.

Chance after chance came and went for the Elite as we tried to see who could hit the ball the highest over the bar. Sid eventually won that little wager with a shot that still had snow on it when it came down.

N&C had a couple of chances that were comfortably dealt with by Chris in goals and the game ended goalless. No idea how it ended goalless with the chances we had, so it was a slightly disappointed Elite that trudged off the pitch at the end.

Never mind, another point and onto the next game.

Last game of the evening with Stevie Summers’ Seven Wonders.

The lead up to the game was dogged with transfer speculation concerning their young midfielder Kevin. Apparently he has had contact from the Elite regarding a possible transfer, but terms and conditions are still to be agreed and according to his agent, there are a few other teams chasing his signature. Watch this space for further news on this and any other transfer activity over the coming months as the Summer Transfer window opens in UAE.

Onto the game and Kevin was putting himself in the shop window with some neat touches that were allowing the SW’s a little more time on the ball than anyone at the Elite would have liked. They were controlling the game and had Elite doing most of the running. The goal eventually came for SW’s and the Elite were yet again left chasing the game.

SW’s seemed to change tactics after going a goal up as if they were managed by Jimmy Calderwood, and sat back on their lead. They seemed happy for the Elite to stroll forward with ease to take shots at their keeper. For the third game of the night though, we were finding a keeper in inspired form. When the shots weren’t on target, the lads were trying to beat the bench mark that Sid set in the previous game.

We weren’t hitting the target regular enough with the chances we had, and when we did, the keeper was equal to the task. We hit balls from everywhere on the pitch at the keeper, but alas it wasn’t to be.

Last game of the night ended with a defeat which was hard to take given the possession we had. If it had been a boxing match, we would have won by KO long time ago, such was the dominance of the Elite.

3 points for the night and looking forward to next week. No reason with a little more luck and better shooting in front of goal we can’t turn the slim defeats and draws into wins.   

Great effort from all lads involved last night :

Bubbles – Fit the f*ck were you dee’ing in the first game for the second goal? Other than that, great performance and good communications throughout. Also made some vital saves.

Chopper – Marshalled the team well from the back and could have had a couple of goals had the goals been rugby posts. Some great tackles.

Shando – PASSED the ball to Terry to score in the second game. Now had a couple of assists in previous weeks too. Made some great runs, but the ball was never out in the second game…..

Sid – Won the competition for the highest anyone could kick a ball but also put in a power of work in the middle. Unlucky with some shots that were well saved.

Terry – Ran non-stop the whole night. Looked knackered after the first game too. Added a lot of grit in the middle and got stuck in well.

Chopstix – Was also unlucky with a few shots that were well saved. Ran his heart out again and tracked back brilliantly when required.

Tinman – Great effort from tinners again last night. Covered a lot of the pitch and was unlucky not to score in the last game when he went on an incredible mazy run.

Satch – The old man in the team last night and rarely wasted a pass. Was always trying to keep things simple. Kept talking to those around him which was great to hear.

Thanks to Sye for taking along the cool box. Cheers to Beavis, Wayne, Mad Vlad and Andrew for the moral support.

Cheers Fairmer.

 

The Bitterest Pill is Hard to Swallow

FELLOW Elitist's,

 

Yes it's true our wee pal Griftstix caught me bony last night and like him and his pal Yeatser like to do I will pull my pants down and explain what shook down.  Last night I called Keefy for a yap and he asked " Did you read the Feathers Report" to which I replied " Aye ah did, and was a bit surprised to see the JAM content running thorough it, jesus its spooky as we were listening to the JAM on the way to the fitba" only to realise that as soon as I said it " that you wee bleep bleep bleep you had a wee wordie with the Feather before the kick aff and it was nae spooky at all" you can imagine Normski chuckled for a whiley and all I could hear was " I GOT YOU I GOT YOU"  For the younger Elite that don't know who the JAM were I've attached a picture, they were a massive influence on the younger Chairman..... So onto the report and the fitba.

 

Great report Jeffo and I hope that Massey Fergie is taking notes and will include  as much imagination and razzmatazz in his report writing. Like the fitba Massie it has to flow baby and have some giggles in it.

 

Here is the Chairman's take on the evening.

 

 THEO II at long last the Elite have a replacement for THEO I and although you are a Celtic man I think its only fair that we call you THEO II. Great to see you getting involved & I hope you enjoyed your night.  Solid stuff fae the Bubbler, shot stopping, distribution, organising was all fantastic, and with him in the stix I can see the Elite back where we belong in no time. 10-10

CHESNEY - Speechless for once in my life the One & Only is mental, great night for the Chessers, great goal, great running, great tackling, great shirt pulling & great at loosing yer MAN. The Elite love Chessers and i'm glad his wife is letting him oot to play. 10 - 10

TINNERS -  OOF The Stork man played fantastico in the first 2 games but by game 3 it was like a scene oot oh Hansel & Gretel, Tinners was LOST but I'm letting you aff because you love the Elite and played magic in the first 2 games & YOU BLEW THE LEAGUE LAST NIGHT. 10-10

TORRY BATTERY - Big G is awesome and he's now El Capaitano, take note boys we are a better team with the HULK in it. SOLID performance fae the G-Man up till the last game when he shat his panties fae the boy on the wing !!!! 10-10 G - MAGICO

SATCHMO- Aye the Dizzy Man was back and full oh confidence and almost had us convinced he was ok until he was clean through on goal and blasted it miles over the bar, I think he had a funny turn so we will let him aff, Magic Satchmo you might be the oldest mate but your still my favourite. You are everything what this club is aboot - 10-10

CHOPPER - Same thing we say every 2nd week about Ryan fantastic and is it just me or are Ryan & Shando only turning up every second week ?? I hope know as we are always better when Ryano is playing, Great goal / pass to Shando and never put a foot wrong. 10-10

SHANDO - magic in the first game played more like the Shando we used to know and just got better as the night went on. Linked up & help up well and slotted home his chances when they came. Nae excuses next week 10-10

THE SPELLING MAN - Last but not least my wee Jamming pal, you tried yer heart oot min, scored a good goal BUT I'm at a loss how you failed to hear the shouts and the boy catching up to you when you were 1on1 with the keeper only for the loon to nip it aff yer taes for a corner.Great to see you back and the spelling of CLOWN will long stay with me.

Sidelines, Massie Fergie, Chairman & his loons, Mike Ritchie & The Feather -  Great support and loads oh laughs boys, Thank you

NORTHERN ELITE FC -  JOINT MOTM 

Well done boys its always better when we win but its easier to win when we are having a laugh.  FUN & POSSESSION was the name of the game on Tuesday night and long may it continue if it does then maybe the FAIRMERS SHOOGLY NAIL WILL BE RAMMED BACK IN.

So boys I'm going to Beat a Surrender and get ready for a round oh golf, have a great weekend and who know maybe some of us will get together for the fitba,

 Live Long & Prosper.

 THE CHAIRMAN 

  MISSING ELITE GET BACK NEXT WEEK & TERRY NAE MARE JACKANORIES

 

Daily Sport - The Chairman's View

Hello Sportsfans,

 

Well done on stopping the wrought that has seen us plummet faster than the cost of houses in Dubai. It's been a funny old few weeks for the Elite and the last time I watched the club I was left sad & hurt and how shite we were and how badly we let each other down on the park. On that same night myself, Y- Cardy & Griftstix went back to the Ranches for a few pints and watch the fitba and proceeded in having a great laugh. Laughing is what this Club is all about loons and I was left scratching my noodle thinking WHY WHY WHY......

 

Its been a funny few weeks for the Chairman too with plenty of golf being played and plenty oh laughs with some of the boys one of whom is our very own Grifter. The big man has been up and doon like a hoors g-string these last few weeks but has maintained the smile on his face and with luck he's turned the corner and will be able to stay in Dubai. Its his news boys but keep your fingers crossed for him this week, I am.

 

I was encouraged to read & hear that we were starting to have a laugh again and appear to be enjoying our fitba, thank christ as "The Fairmers" coat was on a shoogly nail that could have seen him demoted to "Sponge Bob"

 

I'm not sure where all the missing Elite are but I'm happy to report that " Bubbles" is fit and raring to play for the Elite again. Nice one Chris see you next week.

 

So onto last night,

 

999 - Made some good stops but as we have all become accustomed too played some suicide fitba which put his team mates under heaps oh pressure. He's 100% Elite old Simon and on the night -  7-10

Tin Man - Great to see the Stork Like presence of the Tinners boy back in the ranks and he played magic well he could have done better when he raced doon the line only to realise that he was slower than the worlds economy and fell flat on his face to much amusement fae the sidelines. Great effort Storko  and magic to see you back  8-10

Chesney- Been said before and I will say it again HE IS THE ONE & ONLY and the way he man handled the Pre Madonna off the ball resulting in oor Chesser getting his marching orders just shows that he is truly one oh us. Well done the Chesney.  9 1/2 - 10

Hancock -  I've said this before an ah oor Hanners is Mental I've nae idea what was going on last night but I loved every minute of it. Highlight for me was when Big G scored the first and Hanners let out this yowl that had the ref shaking his noodle and the sidelines shaking with laughter. Well done you crazy bast..d  9-10

Griter - The Nigg bay Lighthouse loves his fitba and played good simple stuff last night. It was joy to see him having a alugh with the troops and his " spin class" thing almost had me crying.  The Elite would be a sad place without you Marty your wee pal Griftstix would have been proud oh you last night 9 3/4- 10

No 9. One of the original Elite Brucy baby was ace last night and he did everything right, scored a goal & run his heart oot, well done pal almost got my MOM -  9.9 - 10

Beavis-  Showed signs last night that he can play with the way he slipped past the fat orange thing and scored what was a great goal BUT he must learn to pass I know its hard for strikers to pass but look up min and keep it simple. 9-10

Big G, BeetleMan, Torry Battery yep you guessed it last but not least our very own Puffing Billy was in my opinion magic last night, now he will disagree but his leadership skills and will to win  is exactly what the Elite needs. His goal last night was magic and his positioning and tackles were a joy to watch. If oor Hulk can get a wee bit fitter then Tuesday fitba for the Elite will be a lot easier.  WELL DONE FATTY 10 - 10 MOM

Big shout loons to Satchmo I had no idea oor Kev was sick last week and I was scared for him when I heard about it. Thank .... your ok Satchmo and I'm saving the best bit of the night for last. This was when I knew for sure that you were OK. So after the games the Elite did the usual walk past the troops with the diver getting plenty oh stick which made the Elite laugh and it continued into Grift telling stories about how much he loves MEL, Wedding plans, SPIN Classes etc only for No 9 to ask " can she reach the peddles" to which the Black man without missing a beat come back with " she has a tricycle" maybe does nae sound funny boys but it was & is up there with one oh the best for a while. I almost shat myself.....

 So boys thanks for the laughs and 4 wins next week is easy. 

 Oh and Scotty Boy this is yer last chance pal the bets are on that you will not turn up next week which is sad when you think about the warm weclome you got from the boys and to put more pressure on you, how can you turn your back on the Reds and sleep at night ?????? You should take a leaf out of Yeatsers book...